In Ephesians 6:1-4 the Apostle Paul says:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:1–4 ESV)
This section of instruction comes near the end of what scholars refer to as “a household table” and there are several of them in Paul’s letters. In this particular table, running from Ephesians 5:21-6:9 Paul is encouraging all Christians to live with humility and deference and he provides particular instructions for each person depending on their role and function within the typical Roman household. Wives are to respect husbands; husbands are to love wives. Children are to obey parents; parents are to raise and nurture children. Servants are to obey masters; masters are to respect the humanity of servants. All of the prescribed attitudes are particular manifestations of an “other preferring social ethic” – in other words, they are different ways that we love and care for one another within the Christian family.
As a husband and father my interests are typically drawn towards certain verses over others as I read through this passage. I am staggered, rebuked and convicted every time I read about the husband’s responsibility toward his wife:
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (Ephesians 5:25–27 ESV)
Reading that passage drives me to my knees in confession, repentance and supplication. I do not love my wife as Christ loved the church. I am too often hindered by my own selfishness and too rarely engaged in the hard work of prayer and pastoring within my marriage. God have mercy! Give me grace to do much better!
As a father I have been more inclined to confusion than confession when reading 6:1-4. What exactly does it mean to “not provoke your children to anger”? Thanks to a recent study through Ephesians with the help of Peter O’Brien’s excellence commentary and a very useful section in R. Kent Hugh’s book Disciplines Of A Godly Man I feel more equipped to offer some counsel to other fathers struggling with the same question. Here are 5 tips from a “dad in process” on how not to provoke your children to anger.
How Not To Provoke Your Children To Anger:
1. Do not show favouritism
The Greek word translated in verse 4 as “provoke to anger” is used only one other time in the New Testament. Paul uses it in Romans 10:19:
But I ask, did Israel not understand? First Moses says, “I will make you jealous of those who are not a nation; with a foolish nation I will make you angry.” (Romans 10:19 ESV)
In this passage God says that he will make Israel jealous by blessing “a foolish nation” with the blessings that should have gone to Israel. The prosperity and favour showered on the church is supposed to anger the Jews and God intends to use this anger to drive them to consider the Gospel. While God the Father is obviously capable and self authorized to utilize jealousy to guide and direct his children, human fathers are not. We are not allowed to “play one child against the other”. We need to treat all our children the same.
I don’t think this means that we have to be wooden and robotic in our dealings with our children. Some children respond well to a firm tone and a hard look while others will modify their behavior only in response to a loving hand across the backside; the wise parent will learn how to lead his children according to their personality and particular wiring. Whatever tactics we use as parents, the children should observe equity and fairness in the administration of the home. The Bible is full of stories about sibling rivalry fueled by the obvious favoritism of mom and dad. Think of Esau. Remember the anger he had toward Jacob. Think of Judah and Simeon and Joseph. The Bible is filled with warnings against favoritism. Dads be warned.
2. Be careful with criticism
In the Bible “love” assumes the occasional hard word of truth. In fact in Leviticus 19 when love is being defined we find the surprising clause:
17 “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. 18 You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD. (Leviticus 19:17–18 NKJV)
Obviously loving your neighbour would occasionally require you to offer a needed rebuke. The same holds true in parenting. Proverbs reminds us:
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. (Proverbs 13:24 ESV)
A father loves his children by disciplining them firmly and fairly. However, the Bible warns about the cumulative effect of criticism upon the souls of human beings. In fact, in a parallel version of this teaching in Ephesians, Paul warns of that very thing. In Colossians he says:
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21 ESV)
As a youth pastor I remember being told that you should offer 3 words of encouragement for every word of correction to a student – I have no idea where that counsel came from but it has always stuck in my brain as a useful caution.
A couple of weeks ago I was driving my son home from a rep soccer game in another town. As we were breaking down the game I said something that made us both laugh: “Mom’s job is to give you a hug and tell you she loves you regardless of how you played; my job is to tell you the truth.” That’s probably an overstatement but there is something in there that I want to keep. Kids need the truth. But they don’t need constant criticism. Is the ratio 3-1? Is it 2-1? 5-1? I have no idea and every kid is different. Watch for inflated self-esteem on the one hand and for discouragement on the other. Stick to the road in between.
3. Be reasonable with expectations
As a parent of 5 socially active kids and as a former youth pastor I’ve had the opportunity to observe a wide variety of parenting styles. I’ve seen parents too busy, or too lazy, or too passive to put any expectations on their kids at all. I’ve seen parents crush and overwhelm kids with their unrealistic and unrelenting ambitions. I know of parents who have filled out their kid’s university applications without telling them, thereby ensuring that the classes THEY want to take are well represented on the course list. Neither approach is to be commended.
The job of the parent, and particularly of the father, is to help set reasonable and appropriate goals. Our children should learn from us that laziness and selfishness are not acceptable options. You should press on your children the expectation that they will acquire skills and perform a function that will glorify God and serve other people.
However, it is absolutely critical that expectations and objectives be tailored to a child’s particular interests and capacities. Just because you enjoyed sports doesn’t mean that your child needs to letter in athletics. Just because you loved watching Glee on TV doesn’t mean that your child needs to join the drama program or sing in the school choir. Talk to your kids. What do they want to do? What do they feel good at? Encourage them to reach and to stretch and to strive but be careful not to make a god of their ambitions. Our kids don’t need help becoming work-a-holics and success worshippers. Be careful not to impose your dreams and ambitions upon them. There is nothing more discouraging for a child than feeling as though they are responsible for living their life and yours.
4. Be consistent and under control when correcting
Inconsistency is a killer. I’m preaching to myself here, but when whether or not you’ve had a good day or a bad determines your reaction to certain predictable behaviours at home, you are headed for trouble. Failure to do one’s homework on Tuesday should generate the same response from dad as failure to do one’s homework on Thursday. The fact that Tuesday was a good day at work and Thursday was hell on earth should not determine the severity of the punishment or the colour of your face when delivering instruction.
When I was a younger parent I used to post our main house rules on a giant white board in the kitchen. These were very basic guidelines: Do homework before watching TV. Clean your room and make your bed before using any electronics after school. Clean up after snacks and meals. Respect mom. Speak kindly to others. At one point we even used a checkmark system. The rules were clear and the consequences were clear. If you started using electronics before checking box 1 and 2 then you had to go dark for the rest of the day. We’ve gotten away from that as our kids have grown up but the principle needs to stay the same. Rules need to be clear and enforcement needs to be consistent. Nothing is more exasperating to a child than not being able to predict the response of mom and dad.
5. Love and cherish their mother
As a former youth pastor and long time soccer coach I have known a lot of kids and teenagers over the years. Most of them have had great relationships with their dads. Of those few who resented dad or who were openly hostile to dad, one thing stands out as the most common cause: Divorce. Divorce is hard on kids. I’m not going to argue that because I think its self evident and because it has been convincingly argued elsewhere. The simple truth is that divorce makes kids poor and it makes kids angry – and generally they are angry at dad. Divorce is too often the reason kids can’t go to college or university – or if they do it’s the reason they have massive debt on the other side. It’s the reason they miss playoff games and tournaments – they have to go visit dad. Dad should be on the sidelines – he should not be the reason they can’t come and be with their friends.
However within the messy knot of the whole divorce issue there is the root hurt of a dad who does not love and cherish mom. Newsflash: kids love their mom. When she cries because you cheated on her, when she can’t buy new clothes because now she has to pay the rent, when she can’t get snow tires because now she’s on the hook for braces – Johnny sees that and Johnny gets angry at dad.
I’m sure you could tell me a fine story about why actually your divorce was more her fault than yours. Some of those stories would even be true, but I doubt Johnny is ready to hear. So here’s my advice: figure out how to love and cherish Johnny’s mom. The security and warmth of your marriage is the best gift you can give to your kids.
Being a father is a job for big boys. It’s a sacred calling. Its hard. And its awesome. Fathers:
do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4 ESV)
O God, command what you will, and give what you command.
SDG
Paul Carter