After church this morning I was asked by multiple people versions of a question I’ve been asked several times before. I’ll swap out the real names that were used, take out any identifying details and swap in the names of our fictional friends Bob and Sue. The questions went along these general lines: What if Sue and Bob, both of whom are professing Christians, divorce for less than Biblical grounds? Sue finds Bob unattractive and boring. Bob finds Sue negative and cold. They decide to part ways and get divorced. Bob remarries. Sue gets serious about the Scriptures and discovers that she has sinfully abandoned her marriage covenant. She repents. What now?
In such a scenario remarriage to Bob is not possible; Bob has remarried. Bob is forever out of the picture in terms of marriage. Must Sue remain alone forever? Answer: No. If Sue truly repents – if she recognizes that her divorce from Bob was sinful and she verifiably repents – perhaps writing Bob a letter apologizing for her bitter and critical nature and admitting these as cause for marital difficulty and admitting that she too easily gave up on the marriage and asking for his forgiveness – should her repentance be genuine and faith-ful then according to the Gospel Sue is forgiven. The Bible says:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 ESV)
No sin is exempted from that promise. Not even the sin of wrongful and cheap divorce. Sue is forgiven and Sue is restored to the fullness of the Christian life. Sue may remarry – but only in the Lord. It is not good for a man or a woman to be alone.
Remember that Deuteronomy 24:1-4 and Jesus’ authoritative interpretation of it in Matthew 19 and Paul’s use of that interpretation in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 all tell the woman not to remarry IN THE HOPES OF RECONCILIATION. Deuteronomy 24 makes it clear that once either party marries someone else, the reconciliation of the original marriage is no longer possible. With the death of that possibility dies the force of the restriction. If Bob is remarried, Sue cannot restore her marriage. If she repents of the sin that led to the divorce, she can be forgiven and since getting back with Bob is no longer possible, she may marry someone else.
Some people wish to treat divorce as the unforgiveable sin. Some want to say that if you sin on your way to divorce, you can never be forgiven and you can never be restored to the sort of life God called you to live. But where does it say in the Bible that wrongful divorce is the unforgiveable sin? Where does it say that this is the one wrong that forever disqualifies us from a Christian future? Why is it that if you advocate for forgiveness you are accused of lowering the bar on the sin in question? To what other sin do we apply this twisted logic? Theft is a sin. However, if theft is confessed and restitution is made, which of us would say that a thief can never be trusted with a job in the future? What kind of a community would the church be if that was our standard? Jay Adams writes:
“Let us make it clear, then, that those who wrongfully (sinfully) obtain a divorce must not be excused for what they have done; it is sin. But precisely because it is sin, it is forgivable. The sin of divorcing one’s mate on unbiblical grounds is bad, not only because of the misery it occasions, but especially because it is an offense against a holy God. But it is not so indelibly imprinted in the life of the sinner that it cannot be washed away by Christ’s blood.”[1]
God hates divorce and I hate it too. It dishonours the Lord, jeopardizes the safety and well being of women, impoverishes children and degrades culture and society. It is always the result of sin; even though in rare cases, pursuing it may not be sinful in itself. Let’s also agree that sin – even big sin – can be forgiven. The blood of Christ is strong to remove even the foulest of stains. If a person confesses their guilt and owns their failure and makes restitution as best it can be made and casts themselves on Christ for mercy and pardon then by all the grace of Christ THEY SHALL HAVE IT! Let us not be more Holy than God. Let us not be less gracious than Scripture.
I have often been asked how a Christian should relate to a friend, relative or fellow church member who, though a professing believer, has previously engaged in a sinful divorce and has subsequently remarried. Should the marriage be treated as legitimate? Should the couple be invited over for supper? Should the person be forever disqualified from teaching Sunday School or ministering to seniors? Let’s set the record straight on that once and for all. First of all, every marriage is a real marriage, even one that follows a sinful divorce. A divorce is always real and it is always treated as real in the Scriptures even if it is sinfully obtained. The divorce was real and the new marriage is real therefore let us not speak of people who are not married in the eyes of the Lord. Secondly, people grow in their faith and often come to realize that the things they did in the past were sinful despite that they felt right at the time. People can repent, truly, for actions done in their younger years. Women (and men) can realize and be convicted that they sinfully abandoned a marriage. They can repent. Repenting they can be forgiven. Being forgiven they should be restored to full and active duty and privilege in the church.
Wrongful divorce is a sin. But precisely because it is a sin it can be forgiven. To forgive is not to permit. We do not permit believers to cheaply divorce other believers. We think it virtually inconceivable that two believers would divorce. But we also know that people do sin and then later grow, fall under conviction and repent. In such cases, according to Luke 17, they should be forgiven. Their faults should be forgotten. They should be restored. If that isn’t true in the church then why in the world are we here?
Wrongful divorce is not the unforgivable sin. It is just sin. It stinks. It hurts. It defames. And when confessed, it is forgiven. Thanks be to God.
SDG
Paul Carter
[1] Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce, And Remarriage In The Bible (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1980), 24.