About a month ago I wrote an article called “What The Bible Teaches About Divorce And Remarriage”. I was surprised by the number of people who replied with emails, phone calls and appointments in order to follow up on that discussion. What I’ve learned from that is that there is a lot of anxiety, guilt and hesitation around the issue of divorce and remarriage in the church. Many people are secretly afraid that they have in some way disqualified themselves from service, ministry, and in some cases, even eternal life because of a previous failing in marriage. Many people are becoming aware that they have made decisions in life without really knowing what the Bible teaches and what God requires of his people. This is a scary place to be and it speaks to a failure in the church to teach comprehensively on the topic of marriage, divorce and remarriage from the content of Holy Scripture. The problem isn’t that the Bible fails to address the topic, the problem is that God’s people have failed to address the Bible. We need to deal honestly with God’s Word with respect to this very personal and difficult topic.
My intention with this article is to supplement the teaching provided in the previously mentioned blog from November 5th, 2014; if you missed it, see here. This article seeks simply to address some of the outstanding concerns occasioned by the original blog. I did not address several topics that many people are anxious about and so, while this article will not address every question I have been asked in the last 40 days, it will take a stab at some of the most common and most urgent.
Question 1: What does the Bible say about separation? Is long term separation a viable alternative for believers in the absence of an actual justification for divorce?
It must be stated clearly that the Bible has no understanding of what we today refer to as “a state of separation”. Separation in the Bible was always separation unto divorce. Separated people became unmarried as a result of separation. The word that is often translated in our English Bibles as “separate” is the Greek word chorizo and it means “to divide, to sever, to withdraw, to divorce”. It is used as a synonym to aphiemi which means “to divorce, to send away”. The two words appear together as syntactical parallels in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11:
10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10–11 ESV)
Notice that the wife who separates is “unmarried”. She is not “married though separated”; she is simply “unmarried”. There is no such thing as “separation” in the Biblical notion of marriage.
This fact seems unknown to many pastors and counselors. I have several times been told by Christian couples that after a case of adultery or inappropriate sexual activity of some sort, that a pastor or counselor has advocated a period of separation in order to assess true repentance. Let me be very clear: such counsel is culpably unbiblical. It advocates a deliberate violation of a clear command in Scripture:
3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 (1 Corinthians 7:3–4 ESV)
In the next verse the Apostle Paul provides one exception to this general rule:
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV)
The one exception to the general rule that husbands and wives are to care for one another sexually is so that a short period of focused prayer may be engaged – following that, they are to come together quickly. Nothing is said about “a cooling off period” or an “assessment period”. To elevate the wisdom of the counselor over the clear teaching of the Bible is a far too common practice in the modern day church. The Bible does not think that separation will help solve your marriage trouble, in fact, the suspicion seems to be that it will only make things worse. Biblical counselors know this very well. Jay Adams wrote:
“The modern view of separation is an anti-biblical substitution for the biblical requirement of reconciliation or (in some cases) divorce. These two options alone are given by God. Modern separation settles nothing; it amounts to a refusal to face issues and set them to rest. The world may have no way of solving problems – and so opts for an uneasy cease fire – but the church does, if she will only avail herself of the biblical means. Of all things, separation (in its modern form) tends most to disrupt the peace that God enjoins (1 Corinthians 7:15c). It keeps all parties involved on the end of the line, playing them like a fish in the water dancing on its tail. It violates the command in 1 Corinthians 7:5, disregards its warning and sets both husband and wife in a place of unnecessary temptation. The problem is that Christians, of all persons, are prone to turn to separation, not only like others who disobey God’s command for reconciliation to take place, but especially when divorce is called for (1 Corinthians 7:15). They think ‘Well, at least we aren’t divorced!’ This is because divorce – in all instances (even when justified biblically) – has been widely made out to be the great sin of all sins. It is time to say that in certain situations, separation can be worse – especially as a substitute for biblical action…. Two people, under separate roofs will find it nearly impossible to solve problems that occur when they are under the same roof. Separation therefore, only widens the gaps and deepens difficulties.”[1]
From a Biblical perspective, separation is not a viable alternative for Christian couples. The only exception most would make is in cases where the wife is in physical danger from her husband. Apart from that, separation is not an option for authentic, born again, Spirit filled husbands and wives. To such people the Bible has singular counsel: forgive and be reconciled. Stay together and work it out. We of all people should understand this and believe that such a miracle is within our grasp. After all, we ourselves have tasted a most unlikely forgiveness. We ourselves have been forgiven a great debt. We ourselves have been rescued out of hopeless and bitter enmity. We are the people who BELIEVE in Gospel reconciliation! We are also the people who posses the help of the Holy Spirit. It is an affront to the Gospel and a declaration of unfaith when Christian couples choose separation rather than forgiveness and reconciliation. Christians should forgive, or when one party refuses to repent of their offending behavior (thereby giving evidence of his/her unconversion) they should divorce. The Bible knows of no third way.
Question 2: Can wrongfully divorced people ever remarry?
This is the question I most fear to answer. Partly I fear to answer it because it may be abused by some and turned into a justification for cheap grace and shallow repentance – God forbid that it be so! Partly I fear to answer it because many of my traditional allies in the conservative, Evangelical, Bible believing, inerrancy defending corner of Christendom are wrong on this one and I fear losing their fellowship. Nevertheless, I fear Another more and I seek the peace and welfare of His flock above even the praise of my fellow shepherds so let us play the man and deal honestly with the matter at hand. What does the Bible say?
First of all, let us state what is rarely debated: divorce can and often should lead to remarriage; the Apostle Paul said:
27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you should marry, you have not sinned (1 Corinthians 7:27–28 NASB)
The word translated in the text above as “released” is lelusai and means “to dissolve”, “to destroy” or “to break up”. Paul is saying to the divorced man, whose marriage has been dissolved or broken up, “do not seek a wife, but if you should marry, you have not sinned”. On this difficult passage Adam notes:
“Paul allows for the remarriage of those released from marriage bonds (i.e. divorced) even in a time of severe persecution when marriage, in general, is discouraged (v. 28). And to boot, he affirms that there is no sin in remarrying.”[2]
In the latter half of 1 Corinthians 7 Paul has begun to discuss a special concern – do the exceptional circumstances of full blown persecution change the general rules concerning marriage and betrothal? We note that concern in verse 26:
I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. (1 Corinthians 7:26 ESV)
Paul is here saying that because the church was undergoing a season of intense persecution, this may not be a good time for young men to get married. However, even in these exceptional circumstances he makes it clear that if any decide to get married they do not sin, even people who have been previously divorced. In this the Apostle Paul is acting in step with the existing Jewish understanding of what divorce is for – it is FOR the purpose of remarriage. The Talmud says:
“Let this be from me your writ of divorce, letter of dismissal, and deed of liberation, that you may marry anyone you want.” (Gittin II.1 A)
“The essence of the git (divorce document) is the words ‘Behold you are hereby permitted to any man’.” (Gittin 85b)
The Pillar Commentary, speaking to 1 Corinthians 7:15 remarks upon the issue saying:
Not bound here refers to freedom to remarry. Instone-Brewer explains: “The only freedom that makes any sense in this context is the freedom to remarry … [A]ll Jewish divorce certificates and most Greco-Roman ones contained the words ‘you are free to marry any man you wish,’ or something very similar.”[3]
In the cultural frame of reference into which 1 Corinthians 7 was written, to get divorced was to obtain the legal right to remarry. Paul says nothing new here, he simply states that even in exceptional circumstances, if a person, be he single or divorced, wishes to marry, he does not sin. That is not frequently debated by Biblical scholars, though it is occasionally denied by some zealous brethren who in their desire to be righteous, make the mistake of being less gracious than the Lord.
The far trickier issue relates to the question of remarriage after WRONGFUL divorce. What then? Let’s first provide a short list of the two most common WRONG reasons for divorce:
1. In the case of two believers who divorce for any reason other than sexual betrayal that is not repented of by the offending party.
To be clear, a Christian marriage should be able to survive even the horror of adultery. Christians have the Holy Spirit, they have an experiential knowledge of God’s mercy and undeserved grace and they have the clear teaching of Holy Scripture:
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21–22 ESV)
Jesus teaches that his disciples will have an unlimited capacity to forgive their brothers (and sisters!) who wrong them. To those who found that teaching hard to swallow he gave the encouragement of the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant. That’s the one where the person who had been forgiven much failed to forgive others of their debts. The Parable ends with a rather clear warning; after saying that the righteous Master had thrown the ungrateful wretch of a servant into debtors prison forever, Jesus said:
So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35 ESV)
Christians forgive. No sin (not even adultery!) is exempted from that teaching. When did adultery become the unforgiveable sin? Why can murder (as per the Apostle Paul) be forgiven but not adultery? Why can apostasy be forgiven (as per the Apostle Peter) be forgiven but not adultery? Who authorized us to grant ourselves exceptions not mentioned or taught in Scripture?
Adultery does not require divorce. In fact, if the offending party TRULY and VERIFIABLY repents, the born again Christian is REQUIRED to be reconciled. If he or she refuses to be reconciled, it is she that ought now to fall under the discipline of the church. Marriage is not ended by adultery – it is ended by divorce and divorce between Christians should only be pursued when the offending party persists in unrepentance.
2. In the case of a believing spouse initiating divorce from the unbelieving spouse who does not seek it.
Paul is clear in 1 Corinthians 7 that in the case of a believer married to an unbeliever, if the unbeliever seeks the divorce, the believer should not resist. In such cases, the divorced believer is not bound and may remarry. However, what if the believer was the one who sought the divorce? That would be a clear violation of 1 Corinthians 7:12-13:
12 if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. (1 Corinthians 7:12–13 ESV)
If the believer initiates the divorce, that is sin. That is a case of wrongful (though real and actual) divorce.
Among believers, those two cases cover the majority of what we would classify as “wrongful divorce”. To be clear, wrongfully divorced people are still actually divorced. When a man who is wrongfully divorced has sex with his former wife it is a sin. If they wish to come together again they must be remarried – provided that either spouse has not first married another – a case discussed in Deuteronomy 24. Wrongful divorce is actual divorce, but what is the fate then of believers who find themselves wrongfully divorced? Are they forever doomed to a state of shame and aloneness? That is the question that we turn ourselves toward at last.
Can People Wrongfully Divorced Ever Remarry?
Let us say one thing off the top that must be clear in the minds of all – what we are saying does not apply to people wrongfully divorced BEFORE they came to Christ. The general assumption in the Bible is that the blood of Christ under which the individual is immersed upon conversion is powerful to wipe away every and all manner of sin. A few weeks ago in church we read those wonderful words from the Apostle Paul:
And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:11 ESV)
Homosexuals, thieves, sexual sinners of every sort, swindlers and idolaters. Such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. It is gone. As far as the east is from the west so far has he removed our sins from us. Your divorce as an unbeliever likely involved all manner of sins – yours and hers or his. Whatever your share in that tragedy – it is forgiven. You are no longer an adulterer or a liar or a cheater or a hard hearted unforgiver – you are a Christian. You are forgiven. You are free to be as God intended you to be. You are free to remarry – but as the Apostle Paul would want me to add:
only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39 ESV)
Christians are always, only permitted to marry other Christians. If you are a new believer and you were wrongfully and sinfully divorced in your past before coming to Christ, you are forgiven, you are free and you can and likely should look to remarry – but only in the Lord.
What then of Christians who foolishly, wrongly and sinfully divorced AS CHRISTIANS? Can they ever remarry? I believe that the answer is yes. Let me be very clear: wrongful divorce is a heinous sin! It brings the Gospel into disrepute, it mars the reputation of God, it eclipses and distorts the understanding of God’s person and nature, it wounds women, impoverishes children and does damage to our society as a whole that is quite frankly, past finding out. I hate divorce and God hates divorce and you should hate divorce and divorce is a sin. Period. However, unless I have seriously misread my Bible, the grace of God is greater than even the worst of sins. Romans 5:20 says:
Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more (Romans 5:20 ESV)
Because I fear that this teaching will be viewed by some as less than Biblical and far too permissive, let me quote at some length again from Jay E. Adams, former director of practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary – one of the most theological conservative seminaries in all of Christendom:
“Divorce, wrongly obtained, is sin – a heinous offense against God and man. I am not encouraging divorce any more than God encouraged robbery, adultery, homosexuality, lying and murder by declaring that such sins are totally forgiven in Christ and put in the past (1 Corinthians 6:11). Repentance, when genuine, is like David’s repentance (Psalm 51, 38, etc); it is not treated lightly as a gimmick. A repentant sinner recognizes the serious nature of his offense and is not only grateful but produces fruit (change) appropriate to repentance. In any discussion of divorce and remarriage we must be careful to preserve the integrity of two biblical truths: 1. Sin is heinous. 2. Grace is greater than the most heinous sin. So, we have seen that remarriage after divorce is allowed in the Bible and that the guilty party – after forgiveness – is free to remarry.”[4]
Very practically speaking, if a couple came to me for marriage counsel and they were both professed believers I would encourage them not to consider divorce under any circumstances. They have the help of the Holy Spirit! They have the personal experience of grace! They have the resource of prayer and the help of the wider Body of Christ – they can overcome whatever is troubling their sacred union! I would be so bold as to say that to divorce under any circumstance short of unrepentant, persistent adultery would be sin. I would be so bold, should the occasion arise, to say that if the wronged party initiated divorce in the face of a truly repentant and sorrowful spouse who desires to stay in the marriage, the person now initiating the divorce should herself come under church discipline. There is no cause for a born again believer to refuse reconciliation with another born again, truly repentant believer. Such a divorce would be a sin. A sin against the repentant brother, a sin against their children, a sin against the Gospel and a sin against the Name of Christ in the community. Let us be very clear – divorce in such a case, between two believers – would be sin.
However, let us be equally clear that the Gospel is about FORGIVENESS FROM SINS! Therefore, in the case where a wrongfully, sinfully divorced, now authentically repentant person in my church desired to be remarried I would do two things as a pastor trying to be faithful to the word of God.
1. Ask an awful lot of questions in order to verify the reality of the person’s repentance.
2. If verified, encourage the desire of the person to be remarried – but only in the Lord.
If the person had truly, verifiably and demonstrably repented of their sin in wrongfully divorcing a Christian brother or sister, I would ask God to help them to grow in grace, to grow in holiness, to grow in mercy so as to become a better and more godly partner next time around. It is not good for a man to be alone. It is not good for a woman to be alone. It is to peace that He has called us.
I have taken the time, and the risk, in sharing all of this because I have discovered how many people in my church are bearing burdens of tremendous shame and guilt all the while believing themselves forever shut off from the good things of God because of sins committed either willfully or ignorance in days gone by. The pathos I have encountered in people I love and care about in regards to this topic has been hard to hear and difficult to carry. I am resolved to tighten where we need to tighten and to loosen where we need to loosen – informed only by the Word of God and seeking only the glory of God and the good of God’s people. I pray this article will serve that noble end.
SDG
Paul Carter
[1] Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce, And Remarriage In The Bible (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1980), 33.
[2] Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce, And Remarriage In The Bible (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1980), 84.
[3]Roy E. Ciampa and Brian S. Rosner, The First Letter to the Corinthians, Pillar New Testament Commentary. Accordance electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2010), 302.
[4] Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce, And Remarriage In The Bible (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1980), 95.